I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
