Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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