They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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