i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
