like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
