shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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