you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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