worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Never joke about your clitoris.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
