At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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