that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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