my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
