Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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