After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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