at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
