You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
