dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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