high people should be assigned attendants
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
