Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
it's like iHOP with fire
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
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