Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
