I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
