I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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