The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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