Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
