Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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