I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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