I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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