forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
