A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
