I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
