just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
