Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
