If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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