So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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