rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
