Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
