Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
