she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
