Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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