I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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