I'm lost and stupid without you.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
