if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
