Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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