I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
