girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
