The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
