were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
