Will you blow on my dice?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
