So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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