No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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