OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
