I'd wear matching sweaters with you
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
