i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
