I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
