Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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