Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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