Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Pants are for mortals
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
