he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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