good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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